Last night I lie in bed, thinking before I fell asleep (which is never good), and found myself wondering if I should keep doing this.

Not writing. That continues without question. But horror writing. Or particularly, attempting to write horror under this obvious pen name.

I grew up reading neary any black-colored paperback in Waldenbooks and as I grew into my writing, I found myself pulled toward the genre as well. My first unfinished novel, called Donovan Tower by the way, was my take on Dean Koontz of the late 80s, early 90s. It was terrible, unwieldy, with no discernable plot, but I learned a great deal writing it (I wish I had a copy now).

But I was a different person then, and I’m not sure I have the stomach for it anymore.

I lie there, wondering if I could write something horrific. Could I immerse myself in violence or gore in order to scare? What about the despair I long for in the horror novels I read (See Cunning Folk or The Troop for true despair that stays with me.) Did I have the temperment to write that?

After finally sleeping, I woke wondering how I would approach my projects for the next year under this pen name. I’ve only just started with my Swamp Stories challenge and giving up seems – well, it seems very on brand to be honest. I stared at my ceiling, with its water stains and cobwebs, and tried to decide who I really was.

Then I looked out the window into the dark morning. All I could see was the room reflected back at me. If anything was out there, I wouldn’t know. If nothing tap, tap, tapped on the window, if no eerie smiling figure slowly came into view, if a distant light that I assume is a street lamp, didn’t flare and fly right for my house, then it’s just a window at 5am.

But in the murky depths of my mind, all of those things happened and I had to look away in case something even worse presented itself.

I woke up, scared myself, and realized I’m fine, and I have an idea for this week’s Swamp Story.

I think I’ll dig up my M.R. James anthology and get a real Edwardian chill. Tis the season.